I've forgiven her a little, but she has to suffer a bit. I need to let her know no one messes with me. No one! Grrr!
As your future queen, I can't be seen as weak. I need to make an example of human mommy Renza otherwise my fluffy sheep will turn into wolves.
Here are some ways to get her back.
Fluffy's Sweet Revenge
1. Howl every morning at 4 am
If you are a loyal fluffy pack follower, you should know that I howl every morning at 6 am. Think of me as an alarm clock. Kinda like a rooster but a doggie. Rooster-dog!
Renza passes out at 10 pm every night like clockwork and needs exactly 8 hours of sleep to feel 'normal'. I've changed my howling time to 4 am and now she gets only 6 hours sleep. Shame, she looks like a zombie. Take that mommy!
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| Exhibit A: Betrayal proof |
2. Send away her beloved Snowy
As soon as I heard of the spay experiment plan, I jumped into action and increased my interactions with Snowy. He's very old and not my type, but I made mommy think I like him by holding paws in front of her.
It was not nice but a fluffy got to do what a fluffy must do. What this did was stress her out and she was on the verge of breaking. She knew it was time to say toodles to Snowy and kept asking when they're gonna fetch him. Soon he was gone.
I saw her shed one tear after that. Her eyes are too dry for tears so one was all that came out! Take that human! I'm sure your Snowy is happy he's home with his own mommy. Not a fake one!
3. Turn her Buffy against her
You all should know that Buff and Renza go back before my time. It's a bond that's really hard to break, but that will not stop me from trying.
After I was drugged and had my organs removed, I never left mommy's side. I slept in her room, got loads of head scratches and more treats than Buffy.
I milked it long enough for Buff to notice the scale has shifted. He saw all of this and now he's very upset.
He nipped her tiny hands and she was very cross. Unfortunately, she manipulates Buffy and soon there will be balance again.
He's getting hand fed yummy treats for super glue bonding time. Fine! You won this round Renza. It was nice to know how close I got to burn that bridge.
4. Have barkoffs in the middle of the night
Unfortunately, a human can still function on six hours of sleep. I decided to arrange barkoffs at night to help remedy that. What are barkoffs you ask? Well my fluffies, it's barking competitions between neighborhood doggies.
There are a few dogs in our neighborhood that think they have the best bark on the block. We have regular contests to see who is superior. Me! It's always me. My bark is a howl-bark. No one can beat that. No one!
Well...Buff ruined my rank when he decided to join in the other night. He's an expert at barking and has at least 10 or more different barking sounds. All for different situations! He taught me the howl-bark and some others.
Snowy has one bark for everything. Yep! One monotone bark! That makes him a really bad guard dog.
No one knows if he's barking at visitors, another dog or the wind. He was good for extra back-up though, but should not bother joining barkoffs.
Luckily Buff only joined in once and my rank was restored. These competitions are best performed during the night when our humans are sleeping otherwise we'll get into trouble.
Renza is a light sleeper and does not appreciate my howl-barking skills. Guess my quiet training was incomplete. Or was it!?
Sleep deprived zombie Renza will be my best creation ever! The disobedient humans that refuse to follow me and that mind-tuning are too good for will be thrown into a dark pit with her on Fluffy Island. Brraaaiiinnnnss!!!
5. Sell human mommy Renza
I'll be putting up an ad online soon to advertise Renza for sale. I'm sure she will bring me in a lot of money to contribute to my fluffy world domination fund. Here's a rough draft of the ad.
Human For Sale
If you're looking to buy a human, look no further. Please don't! I have a human to sell and the sale needs to go through fast before anyone suspects anything.
Here's what you'll get!
Human has tiny hands with long nails, perfect for tummy rubs. She has enormous eyes and is a bit chubby. The winter did not help! She can make yummy food and clean good but gets very lazy sometimes. You'll probably get one meal a day if you're lucky. Get used to dried bag food.
She's obsessed with tv shows and refuses to play with me during her watching time. Human is also a master manipulator and backstabber so watch your back. Don't buy if you're a weakling because there are no refunds. She takes way too many pics of me and my brother Buffy and I'm sure our souls are forever stuck in her cheap phone.
She's obsessed with tv shows and refuses to play with me during her watching time. Human is also a master manipulator and backstabber so watch your back. Don't buy if you're a weakling because there are no refunds. She takes way too many pics of me and my brother Buffy and I'm sure our souls are forever stuck in her cheap phone.
Make sure you call the following number to place your auction money bet. Bidding will start at $666. Call 0800 PAYBACK.
Hope one of you will buy her otherwise I'll have to arrange to have her shipped to another country and I'm short on fluffy funds right now. Zombie Renza might derail my plans and Fluffy Island is nowhere ready to contain the backstabber.
I feel much better now that I have my revenge plan written out. If any of you tip her off you will be marked as a traitor and you know what happens to traitors. To fluffy island, you must go for some much-needed tuning.
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| Buffy trying to warn Renza but failed miserably! |
Got to go now my fluffy pack. I see mommy walking this way. She has treats! She's smiling at me and asking what her sweetie is doing. See what I have to deal with?!
I need to stay strong. No heart melting can take place. My tail just started wagging uncontrollably. Damn you tail!
See you soon, fluffy sheep! I need to give mommy some licks and cuddles so that she can go to sleep! Shhhh! One word of this and you're toast!!
Ruff! Ruff!
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Author: Fluffy
Job: Doing puppy work, part-time blogger, a world leader in training.
Future plans: World domination
Likes: Biting hands, destroying everything in sight, playing, stalking, digging, cuddles and tummy rubs.
Dislikes: Baths, self-cloning Needleman and not getting my way.
Pic credit: Fluffy(me) and Buffy posing for pics Renza took and edited.
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